Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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