I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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