Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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