So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
