You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
