I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
