i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
MIDGETS
????
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize