He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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