i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Randomize
