I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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