god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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