So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
