Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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