My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's just like the Real World with babies
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
