remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
