I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
