dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
