I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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