textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Shame is for Republicans.
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