Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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