When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
