it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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