hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
