I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
