Jerry, you need to find god
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
