You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
