I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
