Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
