Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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