I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
