please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
