I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
