I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
