mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
