Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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