You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
