I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
