i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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