Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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