how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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