Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
