The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
