I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
