Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
