I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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