Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
