it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
