Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
