According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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