I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
