Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
