P.S. I can't hear my feet
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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