HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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