you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
