Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
