i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
