My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
