ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
