On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
