is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
