i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
