Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
