I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You can't special order awesome
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
