Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
