Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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