where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
