So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
