jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize